Newer TV animation disappoints

August 11, 2002

I've been watching cartoons as long as I can remember. Actually, I was probably watching before that as well; no doubt my parents plopped me in front of the TV for Muppet Babies when all I understood was how much I liked the pretty colors. My longtime viewing habits give me the credibility to speak out against today's cartoons. Two weeks ago, I complained about Nickelodeon's uninspired series, but this time, I'm here to moan about the state of animation on television as a whole.

When I first heard about the Cartoon Network, I thought, "What a sweet deal." To a 12-year-old kid, nothing sounded better than a 24-hour cartoon channel where I would be able to watch all the classics I remembered from years back, such as Snorkels and Smurfs, all day long. Unfortunately, Prime Cable, out of the northwest side of Chicago, failed me miserably. While my grandma, grandpa, uncle and aunt were all enjoying crystal-clear cable on the south side, with the Cartoon Network, Prime didn't offer it until ... until ... never, actually.

Big business crushed small cable companies in recent years and AT&T Broadband took over the entire city. It wasn't until well into AT&T's takeover—and well after the obligatory price hikes—that Cartoon Network was finally offered to us hapless souls on the northwest side of Chicago. You'd think being the metropolis that we are, kicking St. Louis' ass for monster of the midwest and all, that we'd actually be able to receive good cable channels, right? HA! Even the small suburb a few blocks from my house offers digital cable and broadband—although AT&T owns us all, the city is still fragmented in the bitter remains of the many former cable companies. Where was I? Oh yeah ... so I was finally able to watch Cartoon Network, but I quickly realized that it wasn't worth the constant harassment Prime Cable received via my phone calls berating them for not making the channel available in my area.

Take a look at what Cartoon Network has to offer. When any of the two dozen versions of Scooby-Doo aren't airing, the channel opts to showcase either anime or shows featuring cardboard cut-out animation.

I've never been a big fan of japanese imports. When Dragonball Z was all the rage, I couldn't understand it. I tried to watch the show once, but I couldn't deal with lazy animation. It might be extremely detailed, but the only animated objects in most shots are the big heads shaking in a constipated stupor. If I wanted to watch still shots, I'd read a comic book. At least then, I don't half to suffer through atrocious dubbing. I understand that to anime fans, the Dragonball series might be a disgrace—I was lectured on how much it sucked by a diehard anime fan in college once—but I have seen a few other series as well. Cowboy Bebop, in all its censored glory, Cowboy sucks. And Ninja Scroll—which I saw on video, not on Cartoon Network—also didn't appeal to me.

As for the aforementioned cardboard cut-out stuff, I was referencing 'toons such as Dexter's Laboratory, The Powepuff Girls, Courage the Cowardly Dog and Johnny Bravo. What the hell is this crap? Since when did it become cool to feature animation that my brother could have accomplished in fifth grade? Seriously, the cookie-cutter processed B.S. all over television today disappoints me. Bobby's World, Doug and Rugrats may not be masterpieces, but I'll choose their style of animation over the newer shows on Cartoon Network. Besides looking like they were all produced on Flash—and they very well could be—it all looks like it was made in the 1960s alongside The Alvin Show. The only things giving them away are the virbrant colors.

The trend toward flat animation has eclipsed the Cartoon Network and spilled over to other networks as well. Nickelodeon parades Cousin Skeeter around like it's something to be proud of, while Toon Disney advertises Teacher's Pet ad nauseam.

Cartoons used to largely have different styles, but even when they all looked alike, such as Hanna Barbera's Jetsons, Flintstones and Yogi Bear, you'd still see animation that looked like it costed more than 10 bucks to produce. The kids these days can grow up with The Powerpuff Girls, but I'm going to stick to Jackie Chan Adventures, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles—I can still rent the videos at Blockbuster since no one will syndicate the old show, damn it—and Disney's Doug.

Chris Douvalas